On Monday we presented the idea of “perpetual brain pickers” as potential time and energy suckers” as they are oftentimes unwilling to do their own work before running to you.
While callous as this sounds, we bet that you all know exactly the behavior we are talking about. For example, the person you don’t want to pick up the phone for, as they are always complaining about things though never really do anything to change it. Or, they have a great idea and are always looking for feedback and help to get it started, yet nothing ever lifts. It takes time and energy to deal with them- hence the reference, time and energy suckers!
Our objective today is to help you determine if you are allowing this behavior to permeate your work and eat away at your most precious and un-renewable resource- your time, that is.
Indeed, at times people will genuinely seek your input as a trusted friend, colleague or advisor—and this is wonderful and appropriate. The distinction is, are they regularly doing this? Being too nice, always listening, always empathizing, always solving other’s problems really just enables their issues and robs you of your time and energy—two keys to productivity and results!
So, here are 2 indicators to help you determine when someone’s asking behavior could be derailing YOU:
First- What is your relationship? Your closer and more personal relationships should get more of your time, attention and support, i.e., your family, friends, or if you are mentoring or training someone, which will lend to the situational appropriateness of a person to come to you more. If “perpetual asker” doesn’t fit in one of those categories, it may behoove you to set some healthy limits.
Second- The frequency of the person coming to you – Is it rarely, occasionally, or regularly? Unless they are a client/customer or an employee you are mentoring – it should be on the left side to middle of this continuum (rarely to occasionally). If it on the right side- commonly—then likely you are acquiescing your time and energy, and not to your gain, nor honestly, theirs!
Next, if you find that you have been enabling folks (even with the kindest of intentions) with this habit–don’t fret. Here are a few suggestions to help:
1. Understand that first you need to change your behavior with them—that is by gentle limit setting or redirecting them so they learn to change their behavior with you.
Do this the next time they come to you asking, by saying something like this:
-You know Sally, I’m already committed in time on some pressing projects so I am not available right now; since we’ve talked about it before, I encourage you to think about what’s already been identified and choose a next step.
0r—stronger yet—Sally, it seems you are really stuck as you keep saying the same thing, though I am concerned for you that nothing seems to be changing… May I suggest that you reconsider yourself if it’s important enough for you to do something about it?
-or–Bob, I’m happy to help, though don’t want to come up with a solution for you, as that takes away from your learning and skill building; so please think through the problem and come up with some alternatives and then we can explore the best way to proceed…
At the point they begin to do more of their homework before coming to you, then you can ask some great questions to help reveal the next line of thinking or actions, such as—That’s interesting Sally, so it looks like X can provide the best outcome based on what you’ve said about the options. What do you anticipate will be the investment for that and how will you know it is working? Etc…
It may take several times with this type of response to get the person to realize the shift for/with you. You have shifted from an enabler to an empowerer. If they learn from it and most people do, it will be to the benefit of you both. If they don’t, likely they will stop asking you and find someone else and you will be left with more time and energy.
Copyright 2010 Kubica and LaForest